|'Fire Escape', 18 x 24, 2015|
That's probably not going to change.
I think I have just about let that idea go, instead I try to enjoy the process, the searching for the series of events mapped on the canvas that somehow effectively translates life and expresses being.
The greatest and most difficult part of being an artist is the constant questioning of everything, and I think that in order to avoid a complete meltdown - and arrive at something marketable in the contemporary art market - artists narrow their focus and style to the detriment of their self-development. Knowing what a 'finished' piece looks like before the process has organically led it there fosters a drone mindset and robs the artist of the pure freedom of the wandering mind that must be treasured and respected to attain the heights of mystical revelation that build the bridge between realities and allows the soul to navigate the unconscious in communion with others.
Denying that the artist is also the philosopher and mystic is like removing colors from their palette, there can't be one without the other.
The questions pour down: Why paint this subject? What will it say? How do I feel? Who am I? What is beauty? Must the painting be beautiful? What are my actual goals - to render a subject, to paint well, to express what only I can express? And what does that mean, what only I can express? Surely humans share and relate similar emotions, why couldn't another artist express the same thing in the same way? Maybe they can...still, better to take the chance at making something distinct, something pure from my experience...better than just making another this or another that.
What's the difference? Why are there so many artists painting the same subject over and over, the same landscapes, figures, cityscapes, still-life, in roughly the same way...so much so that you could swap out images from 10's or 100's of websites and no-one would know! You couldn't do that with Picasso, Cezanne, Monet, Dali, Inness, Soutine, Morandi, etc...why after all these years of artistsic development are artists acting like mindless drones and cranking out these tricks like so much candy? O.k. not tricks, yes they take skill, yes, they take practice, yes, it is difficult and takes years to master...but so does anything...but because it is 'Art' they are deceiving themselves into thinking it is enough.
Satisfaction comes in the questioning, the balance between knowing and not knowing that is that artist's right: it is so unlike most of the lives people lead - that of pretending to 'know' or being made to know, repeat, do, sell, report...
Question everything, always, remain free, express yourself always, you will make better art, and maybe, between paintings, while grinding the next cup of coffee, you will feel a little satisfied.